The ties that bind

Dear Auntie Greg,

My disturbingly orange cousin shows signs of becoming a rock star, which presents me with a major dilemma: If he becomes famous, should I make money from the tabloids by a) selling them the baby photos or b) revealing his unnatural mole fetish?

Finally, given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted teacake?

Yours,

Perplexed

Hello there my child,
Exploiting one's family members is always quite a conundrum I find. On the one hand it's always pleasant to encourage a culture of one-upmanship as it leads to a family unit who are striving to fulfil their potential as both individuals and as a group. However, on the other hand it can be divisive. What you have to consider here is whether or not your orange cousin is the type of person who'd watch Beadle’s about or enjoy receiving a 'Gotcha' from Noel Edmonds. If the answer is yes then exploit him for all he's worth - after all, he'll probably see the funny side of it eventually. If not then you could risk irreparable damage t those family ties which have both supported and stifled us for all these years.

At the time of writing (12:23) I am yet to have lunch, I had an insubstantial breakfast and there is nothing I'd like more than a toasted teacake. Right now I can think of nothing else and you've given me no way of achieving such a goal. Damn you! Damn you! This will ruin me!

Much love,