I'm at home, whilst you're ducking out!

Dear Auntie Greg,
I am a 30 year old housewife from Kingston-Upon-Abedofrice. Recently, my husband went missing. He is of average height and build, with an eye-patch and only one leg. He answers to the name of Crispy on a good day, and nothing on a bad one. How can I find him. Has he run off with another woman, or merely forgot where he lives. Do I need to woo him back, and if so, how? Please help me!

Frank

Frank, to be frank, if you don't know why he's run off then you don't understand or deserve him. Lets face it, there is so much blame here, after all he'd have more than one leg and one eye if it wasn't for your incompetence on that watersports weekend.
Better luck next time Frank - avoid speed boats next time. Your soul mate is still out there, or if I'm wrong then hubby will be home by the evening!
Lots of love,

Auntie Greg x
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