Screwdriver

Dear Ms Greg,
i used to indulge in the pleasures of a special and unique form of masturbation. i shall run you through the procedures: i removed my trousers and grabbed my crosshead screwdriver, i inserted the screwdriver into my anus and away i went, happily jerking away to my favourite disney film.
These were the moments when i was happiest and this screwdriver is special and very close to me, imagine my dismay when i realised a scrath in the stainless steel coating, i decide it is stil safe and i carry on to use this maturbation aid.
several months have passed and i now have a growing problem: the screwdriver's once smooth sensual shaft is now a rugged, painful, rusty and sharp reminder of (with use of metaphor and poetic liscence) much greener fields. The sharp rusty edges have diced the rectal lining and caused a great infection. A swelling which has overtaken my "tailgate orophis" has as good as made my anus imperforate.
Do you think i should give up the screwdriver greg? break it to me gently... without the use of it, everyday masturbation is so boring, are there any tips on this topic you can help me with? Any personal techniques that get you going? write back soon, much love,


Terrance Norisworth

Terrance,
Firstly I'll say that I hate to think how you managed to rough up your faithful sex aid if all it was doing was penetrating you...
I think that the best course of action would be to give it a good clean then take it to a tool shop, maybe somewhere like Marshall & Parsons in Leigh. I have no doubt that they could re-coat the rusted and scratched screw driver at such a [place and return it to you as good as new. It may well be slightly different but you know what I say... variation is the spice of life!
Give it a go, I double dare you!
Much love,

P.S. I will not discuss my foot fetish in my own problem page, it is beneath me.