The 100th Problem

Dear Greg,

I feel I’ve reached a crossroads in my life and I have no idea what so ever of what it is I should do. Once, not so long ago, I had it all, a high paying military job, a beautiful wife, respect from my peers, heck, even a George Foreman Grill! But recently I’ve turned to alcohol to combat my demons. I used to be a great pilot, a "Hot Shot" if you will, but recently all that has gone down the proverbial plug hole. My god man, I’ve drunkenly crashed 4 planes whilst writing this letter (that beats my record at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians) And as for my private life, my new girlfriend and I just are not compatible. I am what some may describe as an Arian poster boy, yet I am going out with someone of redheaded ancestry. Do you know how embarrassing it is to pull a ginger pubic hair from ones teeth whilst having dinner with the Lord Admiral?!

Whatever shall I do?

Yours faithfully,

Dear N M,

If I may begin this answer by referring to my favourite hymn:

Jetplanes meeting in the air to be refuelled,
And the things I love so well, no I mustn't forget!

(Autumn Days, the second verse I believe)

Let me say this N M, if I was in one of those jetplanes, and you were in the other, I'd shit myself. Four planes? Dammit man, what's wrong with you, Wall-Eye Vision?

In all seriousness now, we've got to get you back on the right track, and the first step will be getting you off the sauce. Right, empty your pockets. I can see that bottle of port and don't even think about hiding it up your arse! You've got understand that staying clean is the key step to you getting back to your "hot shot" best. Lets examine what this poison is doing to your body. I have researched into this topic and have found the following information at www.web4health.com.

"Excessive alcohol use increases the risk of a number of diseases: fatty degeneration of the liver, infection of the liver, liver cirrhosis (More), sleeping disorders, sexual problems, infection of the esophagus, infection of the stomach, infection of the pancreas, premature dementia, varying from a reduction of memory to the serious syndrome of Korsakoff; cancer of the mouth, throat, larynx, intestines and breasts; hypertension and heart problems. Alcohol is also damaging during pregnancy. Also alcohol takes its toll in traffic.

"Alcohol plays an important role in aggression. 40% of all incidents involving aggression occur while under the influence of alcohol. The police spend 22% of their time on cases involving alcohol. Violence on the streets and domestic violence while under the influence of alcohol happen often.

"Also at work, alcohol has big consequences. 13% of all employees on sick leave have alcohol problems. Employees with alcohol problems produce at least 10% less work than their colleagues.

"Alcohol can make people irresponsible; for example, getting pregnant in circumstances where they are not able to care for a child, eating shit, or crashing four fighter planes whilst writing a simple letter."

I don't make these stats up Topping, you'd better take a long hard look at your burly frame and decide what you want; the fortune, happiness and success or your beer dispensing helmet.

As well as your alcohol problems I think we should look at your self-destructive pattern of behaviour as a whole. Looking through your navy records I've been made aware of the fact that due to disciplinery reasons you were stationed in admissions for six months. As well as this your love life appears to be in tatters, girls always seem to be trying to tame you and tie you down, but it'll never work, you know it won't. You've got to tell them straight, you're a wild animal and there ain't no woman alive who can tame this bad boy, I mean, er, yes.

As for the Lord Admiral, screw him! Turning your life around is a hard job and I will tell you right now that there's no room for quitters in Auntie Greg's Rehab camp, so you're going to have to pull your socks up.... Don't walk away from me Topping! You can't keep running from your issues, or mine! Come back and fight like a man...

Fine, have it your way,

Much love,

Auntie Greg x

P.S. A bit of advice, don't literally screw the Lord Admiral!

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