Explorer!

Dear Auntie Greg,

I have a rather embarrassing problem. During a rather frenetic bout of anal masturbation I decided my pet hamster, Explorer, make enjoy a trip up my anus. I'd also heard that it was rather enjoyable.
As I'm sure you've guessed, he got stuck, he's been in there a week now and I know he's not dead cos I can feel him moving about, I think he's making a nest. I've tried to shit him out but it just won't work. My finger's are also not long enough.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the hospital, what can I do?

Please help me, what would you do in this situation?

Anonymous (for obvious reasons)

Hi there,
Too embarrassing or too enjoyable? If you can still feel him moving I would put it down to your bodily functions forcing him to swim around in your intestines. Face it, you have a rotting hamster corpse iside you. However nice it feels, you're carrying several diseases; all of which are probably ungodly.
Go to the hospital, they won't mind. A friend of mine was telling me only the other day that someone once claimed to have "fallen" on a live mortar shell. This had similar implications to yours.
Go on, be hospitalised.
Much love,