Klan
Dear Greg, I wrote but you still ain't calling.I left my telegram, my foreskin, and my home phone at the bottom.I sent two Rucksacks back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em.There probably was a problem on the post train or somethin,Parkinsons makes scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em.But anyways; Spigg it, what ya been up? Man how's Aunt Anaconda?My Auntie's pregnant too, One thing led to another.If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?.I'ma name her Jodie.
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your ONLY fan. I even got the underground shit that you did at the Grand.I got a room full of your empty wallets and strapons man.I like the shit you did with Caleb too, that shit was fat. Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan ,This is Klan
Dear Greg, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance.I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't felate your fans.If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your gig you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew. That's Jodies boyfrind man, he's only six years old.We waited in the blistering cold for you,four hours and not even a blow.That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fuckin idol.He wants to be inside you, he likes you more than I do.I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to. Remember when we met in the fountain - you said if I'd write you You would write back - see I'm just like you in a way.I never knew my father neither,Could this man be the promised one?I can relate to what you're saying in your songs.so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on, cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I wear my dress. I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest.Sometimes I even autoeroticly asphyxiate myself to give me what i need. It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me. See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it. My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7. But she don't know you like I know you Greg, no one does. She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up,you gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose. Sincerely yours, Klan -- P.S. We should come together
Dear Mister Woohhh-you're-in-the-army...................now,this'll be the last package I ever send your ass. It's been six months and still no ass - I don't deserve it?I know you got my last two letters, I crayoned the addresses on'em perfect. So this is my jihad I'm sending you, I hope you hear it. I'm in the car right now, I'm driving with my eyes closed on the freeway. Hey Greg, I drank a pint of Yakult, you dare me to drive? You know the song by Phill Collins, "India Tonight",About that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning,but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him?That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning.Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 tic-tacs now, I'm drowsy.And all I wanted was a lousy blowjob or a call. I hope you know I ripped ALL of your wanted pictures off the wall.I love you Greg, we coulda came together, think about it.You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.And when you dream I hope you boots are bad and you SCREAM about it,I hope my Sarin eats at you and you can't BREATHE without me. Hey, Greg ,my girlfriend's screamin in the trunk,She saw my shotgun, but I just tied her up. see I ain't like you, cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too.Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the tree now, just like sonny bonno and michael hutchins , i'm going out with wood.
Klan
Dear Klan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your auntie's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would want me to blow you and here's an autograph for little Matthew,
I wrote it on my cowboy boot,
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the Fountain gig, I musta missed you
Don't think I didn't shit on you intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to beat your cock too?
I say that's the good,
Don't get someone else to do it to you!
You got some issues Klan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from landing on my cock when you want some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me get hard when we meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you 'autoeroticly asphyxiate' yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
If you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Klan
Why are you so randy? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do me like some crazy shit
I heard about this one shit on the wireless only a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some geez was high on tic tacs and drove his car into a tree
And had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was jealous of his fetish with me
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Klan!
For what it's worth,
Much love,
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