Pride and Prejudice
Dear Auntie Greg,
I have a genuine problem and having visited many advice websites, I feel you are the most experienced and qualified to help.
I have a cousin whose hair colour is of the orange persuasion. Frankly, I find it embarrassing - especially at family functions where everyone pretends not to notice.
I would suggest that perhaps he should dye it, but I feel this would only lead to an unfair accentuation of his other unfortunate facial features. At present, ones attention is drawn to his natural freakish hair colour and his other defects are not immediately apparent until a few seconds after. Once the eyes have accepted that this combination is a purely natural occurrence and have allowed the brain to register the complete image simultaneously, the shock factor is usually too much to take and the cerebral cortex fuses.
Bearing the above in mind, perhaps a wig would protect the unaware from this double whammy, which has to date left several individuals traumatised and in therapy.
Or perhaps, I should stand him next to my sister? He would be a veritable Adonis in comparison? – Just a thought.
Apart from this, he is a thoroughly decent chap and shares my appreciation of the perfect bowel movement.
Your advice and judgement are legendary, matched perhaps only by Solomon and Confucius themselves.
How should I proceed, oh wise one?
The world is an ever changing place where values and beliefs lose meaning and give way to a new, more socially conscious way of life. At some stage you seem to have been left behind. Think, it was 200 years ago when it was last acceptable for one to own a slave and yet all this time later minority groups still have to undergo the same fear, ignorance and torment of our predecessors from time to time. The noble colour of ginger has always stood out from the crowd, and greatness will until the end of time attract jealousy and spite. I think that it would be fair to say that the problem is yours and that you have to accept that your type is a dying breed, much like the West Ham supporter.
What troubles me most is that despite your outburst at God's chosen people - oh no, that's the Jews - you also deem it appropriate to turn your sword of hate upon the rest of your family. The fact that despite your age old prejudice you would prefer to insult someone with whom you share blood in the name of one-upmanship is very disturbing Paul and it causes me great disquiet. What has your poor sister done to you?
All things considered I think it would be for the best if you wore a blindfold to family gatherings because the last thing anyone needs is poor cousin Paul feeling bilious.
Thank you as always for the acknowledgement of my unrivalled wisdom and knowledge. If it wasn’t for such accolades… why go on?