Dear Mr Greg,

I am outraged after using the condom I received free with your single, at your album release night. The bastard split, and caused much panicking! My girlfriend is now pregnant with triplets, we were wondering if you'd like to compensate us per child, or just buy them.....

p.s My girlfriend says you may remember her she was in a school production of oklahoma! With Greg and Liam.....


Hi there Jon,

Sorry to hear about the condom splitting but there's no need to worry. It works in the same way as cutting an earthworm in half; all you end up with is two separate fully functioning condoms. If there are children I would buy them, I daresay I could use some help around the house.

Much love,

Auntie Greg x

P.S. Don't believe a word I've said, the condom won't work in the same way that the worm will invariably die.

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